Help Your Teen Find Balance

Now, there is generally one thing that becomes more important than everything else in the world. The significant other. In our house, the boyfriend became the most important thing. Now, we started out with this chat immediately to help when we began to notice a problem so the change was a bit easier.

In fact, we actually then began encouraging her to actually start using this idea to help her friends find balance also… and it’s working!  You see, teenagers only do things if they think it’s their idea. I promise… it will once again be easier if you just trust me on this. The key is to help them to realize that their lives will actually be better once they begin drawing boundaries with the people in their lives.

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Here’s how you can help your teen find balance:

1 ~ Have a meeting with your teen

This can be over dinner, dessert, it’s generally better to bribe them to spend time with you with food to get started! Just start by telling them you’ve noticed that they feel a little overwhelmed and ask if they’d like to talk about it. Keep asking questions and stating what you notice (I haven’t seen you spend much time with so and so lately, is everything okay there?). Whatever you do, start this as a conversation. LISTEN… that is literally the most important aspect of this right now.

2 ~ Tell a story that relates.

Most of us can relate to what our teens are going through. We have all been there. Dealing with friends being upset because you’re spending too much time with your boyfriend, your boyfriend being upset that you’re spending too much time with your friends, your parents wanting you home because you’re always gone, having homework and classes, practice, etc. Tell a story. Let them know that you completely understand what they’re going through.

Help your teen find balance by getting them to see that when you lose yourself into only one thing, you lose out on others. For me, I told her about how in college I spent every spare minute outside of class and work with my boyfriend. Then when we eventually broke up, I realized that I didn’t have any friends left because I never had balance in my life and they were tired of me blowing them off for my boyfriend. It was a really lonely time and a hard lesson to learn. I still to this day regret that I let a boyfriend come between my friendships. I now know people who go out once a month with their friends from college and I don’t have that.

3 ~ Provide an option that they can try.

This needs to be really low key here. Now, a few of you might be thinking “Crystal, they are my child and they will listen to me. I’ll just tell them what I expect and it will be done.” Okay, I can understand your thinking. Being a parent does give you an innate amount of respect. But being respectful to your teen in this process will get you much further than a mandate. Plus it will give your child a tool in their toolbox that they can use for their entire lives. Wouldn’t you rather have that than a short-term mandate?

Here’s the option: Have you thought about making certain days specifically for certain people? Don’t you think that would really help them to see how important they are to you? I know that I’d really like to see us spend Sunday afternoons as a family. Maybe then you could spend Saturday night with your best friends and Friday night with your boyfriend. I don’t know, it’s just a thought. Let me know if you decide to give it a try and I’m happy to help you figure it out.

4 ~ Walk away.

You have to put this in their court. They have to feel the need to make a change in order for them to make it. You cannot do this for them, they must do this for themselves. They’ll come to you if they need help. That’s it, you have initiated what you can to help your teen find balance. You MUST walk away at this point.

Now, if you see the struggle continue, then you might have to implement some balance. Start with just saying something like, “Hey, it looks like your still struggling to balance all the things. I know that to me it’s super important that we spend time together as a family. I would like to find 4 hours over the weekend that we do that. Do you want to do it on Saturday or Sunday? (Let them choose the day). Okay, morning or afternoon? (Again, let them choose!). Cool. So starting this Sunday we’ll have family time from 5 – 9 pm. I’m excited. Thank you so much for recognizing how important it is for us to spend time together. I love you.” That’s it.

Here’s one thing I can promise you. This will be a conversation you have dozens of times. Teens get distracted, new people come in that make their hearts flutter and put stars in their eyes, friends get mad and leave, new friends come in. Seasons change and so do practice schedules so what worked in the fall doesn’t work in the spring. 

The most important thing you teach your teen in this is that your values are reflected in how you spend your time. If you value your best friend, you’ll set aside time for them. If you value education, you’ll set aside time to study. Be patient in this… you aren’t going to do it perfectly the first time. Your teen isn’t going to do it perfectly. That’s okay, just be perfectly imperfect together!